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Communicating With Your Former Spouse Divorce and Separation: Glossary Pointers for Parallel Parenting The Emotional Process of Divorce
Dr. Thomas in the News: "Will Britney Spears' Pantyless Antics Hurt Her Custody Case?" |
ParentsAreForever.com |
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Colorado's Innovative Program For High Conflict Parents Effective divorce education programs coupled with the ongoing guidance and support of skilled professionals, such as parenting coordinators, are arguably the best interventions for high conflict co-parents. Until recently in Colorado, there has been a void when it comes to the availability of more intensive, skill-based classes for high conflict families. In the fall of 2002, Dr. Shirley Thomas started the first Level II divorce program in Colorado. For the last ten years in California, Dr. Les Herold has been teaching a highly successful Level II divorce education program. Dr. Herold is a former professor at the California State University in San Bernadino and a psychologist whose private practice includes working with families dealing with high conflict divorces. Seeing a need for a program that has a greater impact than the standard court mandated Level I classes taught in California, Colorado, and many other states, Dr. Herold developed a curriculum that would go far beyond three hours of lecture found in most Level I divorce education programs. The Level II class that Dr. Herold teaches in California consists of three classes totaling ten hours with one of the most important and unique requirements being that the co-parents attend the classes together. Since 1995 Dr. Herold has been using Dr. Thomas’s book, “Parents Are Forever: A Step-By-Step Guide To becoming Successful Coparents After Divorce” for the Level II class text. The ongoing dialogue between Shirley and Les resulted in Les coming to Colorado to train a group of mental health professionals who specialize in working with families dealing with high conflict divorces. The class is a skills based class that uses the group process to facilitate learning. The group process gives the co-parents having the most difficulty the opportunity to see other sets of co-parents “get it right” and improve their communication patterns. The group process also allows for the instructors and even the other sets of co-parents to give immediate feedback and instruction on how to perform the skills most effectively. Some of the skills that the co-parents are taught include:
Who is an appropriate referral for the class? To date, the vast majority of the co-parents attending the Colorado Level II classes have been court ordered by the Boulder and Metro Denver courts. The judges have provided a steady stream of co-parents who have exercised the legal system many times and are viewed as having almost intractable patterns of conflict. We do, however, receive referrals from proactive attorneys, mediators, and mental health professionals who want their clients to sharpen their communication skills before the relationship with their co-parent deteriorates to the point that their children are suffering significant distress. Any co-parent that wants to improve their relationship with the other co-parent is appropriate. The exception to this would be a situation in which one co-parent fears for their physical or emotional safety in the presence of the other co-parent. In the Fall, we are planning a seminar for attorneys, mediators, and mental health professionals to familiarize them with the language and concepts of the Level II divorce education program. We believe that it is important that all of the professionals involved with high conflict co-parents are on the same page when it comes to providing alternative ways of resolving disagreements that do not escalate conflict and spread conflict to the children. If you would like to know more about the Level II divorce education programs, please contact Dr. Shirley Thomas (Longmont and Boulder Areas) with CoParent Solutions at 303-772-4450 or Arnold Swartz (Denver Metro Area), LCSW with Co-Parenting After Dark Divorce at 303-329-9942. Spring 2004, Colorado ID News Download PDF Version of this Article
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COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR FORMER SPOUSE Poor Communication between spouses is almost always a major factor leading to divorce. After separation, talking with your child’s other parent can be more difficult than ever before. Even those who are successful at controlling their anger report that interacting with an ex-spouse is troublesome. Communication becomes increasingly easier as time goes by after divorce, especially if both parents make an effort to be clear and avoid blaming each other excessively. Three simple guidelines will help divorcing mothers and fathers communicate more productively.
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DIVORCE AND SEPARATION ALIENATION: Conscious or unconscious pressure by one parent for the child to view the other parent negatively, such as uncaring or abusive. The child may resist parenting time as a result of the alienating parent’s sincere, but irrational, belief that the child may be harmed. ARBITRATION: Submission of a dispute to a neutral third party for a final and binding determination. BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD: Legal standard applied to determine custody and time sharing in all states. Some differences occur, but the relevant factors taken into consideration include the wishes of the child and his parents as to custody, family relationships, the child’s current adjustment, the mental and physical health of all family members, and the ability of each parent to encourage sharing the love and affection of the other. The past pattern of involvement including violence or abuse is considered. CHILD SUPPORT: Monthly payment made by one spouse to another for support of a child’s lifestyle, usually determined on a permanent basis, according to proportionate incomes. COPARENTING: Arrangements whereby both divorced or separated parents have time with, or make decisions for, their child. DISSOLUTION AGREEMENT: Legal term defining end of a marriage. Term synonymous with separation agreement, which outlines legal issues of the divorce, including property division, parental responsibility, time-sharing schedules and financial responsibilities. GUARDIAN AD LITEM (GAL): Attorney appointed by the court to represent the best interests of the child in a legal custody disagreement. The GAL does not represent either parent. JOINT PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY: Legal term designating that both parents share decision-making responsibilities about health, education, religion, and welfare of the child, as well as parenting time with the child. JUDGE: Legal official with ultimate power to order decision-making and parenting time arrangements according to the best interests of the child. MAINTENANCE: Monthly support payment from one spouse to another for maintaining current and usual lifestyle, usually determined for a period of 5 years after the divorce is final, according to proportionate incomes. MEDIATION: Parties attempt to resolve their dispute with aid of a neutral third party – may be entirely confidential or may lead to custody evaluation if unsuccessful. May also continue into arbitration if the parties so desire. PARENTING COORDINATOR: A mental health professional assigned to counsel divorced parents about the best interests of their child and make suggestions to each, regarding parenting issues, including time-sharing. The coordinator may be assigned the task of mediation as well as arbitration. PARENTING PLAN: A list of decisions about parenting which separating spouses agree to for the benefit of the children. These decisions may be made orders at time of divorce through incorporation into the separation agreement. PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY EVALUATION: Assessment procedure and report based upon a series of interviews and testing with members of the family for the purpose of determining the child’s best interests. Parental RESPONSIBILITY and parenting time recommendations are made to the court. PARENTING TIME: In relationship to divorce, indicates the time or schedule when a child is with each parent. Day-to-day caretaking decisions are made by parents exercising parenting time. Previously referred to as visitation, now the concept is broader. PERMANENT ORDERS: The court’s final mandate regarding parental responsibilities and parenting time, residence, and child support. May be referred to as Final Orders. PRIMARY PARENT: Parent who provides the majority of daily child care. For an infant this includes feedings, bathing, and in general, spending the most time attending to the child. For an older child, it may refer to the parent who attends school conferences, takes child to dentist, doctor, or counselor. SEPARATION AGREEMENT: Term synonymous with dissolution agreement which sets forth the full agreement of the parties concerning all aspects of the divorce such as parenting time, child support, property division, and maintenance (alimony). SOLE DECISION MAKING: Legally assigning one parent decision-making responsibilities for the child. SPLIT DECISION MAKING: Legally assigning one parent decision-making responsibilities for the child. STATUTE: Law enacted by legislature pertaining to a topic, such as parental responsibility, parenting time, child support, or marital dissolution. TEMPORARY ORDERS: The court’s mandate regarding decision-making, parenting-time, residence or child support. Can be on a temporary basis, to be reviewed and changed or made permanent when final orders of the court are entered. VISITATION: Old term for parenting time, indicating the schedule of time child spends with nonresidential parent. Still applies in cases where parenting time is extremely limited or supervised by court order. Download PDF Version of this Article
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What do these facts tell us? Thousands of families each year are impacted by divorce and separation. Children and adults struggle with similar fears and uncertainties as they face the prospect of a change in lifestyle and standard of living. As parents establish separate households, children must learn to cope with having the two most important people in their lives live apart. The tasks of divorce are difficult for everyone, but children need to understand that their parents will always be there for them, loving them and caring for them, despite changes in the family structure. Parents also need to seek support from family members, friends, or professionals when necessary in their efforts to cope with the emotional effects. The better parents are at adjusting to divorce, and the more they are able to keep their children out of parental conflict, the more their children will benefit. Download PDF Version of this Article
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These five principles apply when parents are making decisions 1. MIMIMIZE LOSS 2. MAKE SMALL CHANGES 3. MAKE GRADUAL CHANGES 4. COMPROMISE 5. KEEP THE BOUNDARIES CLEAR Download PDF Version of this Article
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To understand more about how children Basically, infants and very young children |
Slightly older children may experience the Older school-age children may become In spite of the many concerning reactions |
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Most parting parents experience some degree |
No parent intends to harm a loved one by For the sake of their children, parents need to |
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Parents in very high conflict or in situations of domestic violence need to parent their children separately. When cooperation is not safe because one or both parents have been abusive, communication cannot be direct. Journals or email only is usually advised, and neither parent schedules activities for the child on the other parent’s time. In the most extreme instances, neutral Parenting Coordinators are necessary to help parents facilitate life for the children. Parents who parallel parent should always seek ways to move toward a more cooperative style of parenting. Download PDF Version of this Article
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POINTERS FOR PARALLEL PARENTING When conflict is very high you should maintain distance from one another, but still display mutual respect. The following guidelines will help you parallel parent successfully. 1. Each of you has total responsibility for parenting when the child is in your care. Download PDF Version of this Article
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losses for parents themselves: of their hopes Despite these emotional and physical hard- |
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Grieving always occurs in divorce and separation. Our description of the grief process is adapted from Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’s work with death and dying. In divorce, spouses grieve the loss of their hopes and dreams. Children grieve the loss of their intact family – perhaps the loss of a parent or family home. As parents and children try to cope with their emotions, they develop protective barriers or defense mechanisms in efforts to manage intense feelings. These barriers can be understood as the stages of grief. DENIAL · ANGER · BARGAINING · DEPRESSION · ACCEPTANCE Not all stages of grief are experienced by everyone, and more than one phase can occur at the same time. As children grow you may find them repeating some of these phases. The better able parents are to resolve the conflict of divorce, the more they can help and support their children through the stages of grief. DENIAL – Inability to accept that the divorce is happening, pretending it is not true. Download PDF Version of this Article
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A parenting plan is a list of decisions about parenting which An attorney can make the parenting plan legal, by writing it into the separation agreement. This agreement is filed with the court when the divorce becomes final. If the parents cannot agree, the court will intervene to determine the parenting plan. THERE ARE FOUR WAYS DECISIONS CAN BE MADE ABOUT
FAMILIES AFTER DIVORCE DO BEST WHEN PARENTS SUCCESSFULLY Download PDF Version of this Article
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"WILL BRITNEY SPEARS' PANTYLESS ANTICS HURT HER CUSTODY CASE?" *** One family therapist said Brit's shenanigans are an indication that she's going through a selfish phase. "None of this is in the children's best interests," said Boulder, Colo., clinical psychologist Shirley Thomas, who specializes in separation and divorce. "When someone is acting out, they're rather absent in parenting the child emotionally even when they are with the child." She doesn't believe Britney's bad behavior means she's an unfit mother. If anything, she said, the custody battle Spears and Federline are embroiled in is more harmful to the kids than anything Spears has done on her own. "These two need to get onto the co-parenting bandwagon, put down the weapons and work together," said the author of "Parents Are Forever." *** For the Full Version of this Article (from FOXNEWS.com) Click Here |
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